Nerf Thor's Hammer

Movies. For Metal fans, films that are geared for our people don't come very often. When a movie does come out that appeals to our demographic, it typically was made unintentionally. To prove this point, let's look at some films that are considered Metal, but were not made with our people's interest in mind:

- The Road Warrior (1981), just as one of the most Metal tag teams in wrestling, Demolition.

- Dawn of the Dead (1978), just ask Cliff Burton.

- The Exorcist (1973), just ask the guys from Possessed.

Now don't get me wrong, there have been some films that have had our core group targeted (think The Stöned Age (1994), Rock Star (2001), Airheads (1994, Lemmy is God \m/), etc.) since film makers can only churn out so many Friday the 13th/Death Wish/Rocky Sequels. A sidenote, the Friday the 13th series of films were definitely a Metal, Death Wish is flirting with the Metal border but get's a pass due to the random violence and deadly vigilantism on teenage criminals the films glorified. As for the Rocky film franchise, well, definitely not Metal, but the point of these films is to prove how many roman numerals a film franchise can have before it runs out of shelf space at the local video rental store (and it did happen).

Today's post is about the former of the films we have discussed, and a film that any Metal fan should have seen in the theaters as it is a film based on comic character who is based on a certain Nordic deity who many Metal Legions worship or hold a great deal of respect for. And that movie is Thor.

Like with any major comic-turned-movie franchise, the inevitable schwag comes along to expand on the money making opportunity, and with it, countless junk (with the rare hit) clutters our closets, children's toy boxes and office desks to show our support for said movie franchise.

The rare hit with the aforementioned film is Nerf's Thor's Hammer.

This is Nerf at their most Metal. Usually, their repertoire are weapons made out of their signature styrofoam and the dart guns that have come a long way since my days (the 80's, where they only shot darts one-at-a-time to the fully automatic gatlin' guns of today that spit out 10 darts in a second, talk about modern warfare at the playground).

Here you see the other toys they are peddling to the impressionable kiddies and fans of the film. Note Thor's helmet was a tempting purchase for me, but when I tried it on and looked at myself wearing it, the end result was not pretty.

The obligatory warning label to let people of all ages know how to use this hammer appropriately. I know there are plenty of you out there well above the age of 5 years old that bought this with the intention of hitting someone with it. Just come clean and there'll be no charges pressed, m'kay!

The details that was placed in this hammer go the distance as every nook and cranny was not overlooked. From the ridges on the handle, to the Nordic inscriptions and the runic texture, this hammer definitely had a lot of thought going into it.

As for the Runic Inscription, it translates "He who wields this hammer commands the lightning and the storm". Just saying...

Now, and I know this is the egotistical side of me coming out, but there is no way I could not pass up this opportunity without a picture to show how this hammer can make me look "majestic".

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Tarnished Iron: In Flames Motörhead inspired Shirt

In Flames. At one time, a heavy weight in the world of Metal. Now-a-days, nothing more than a standard issue American mallcore band from Sweden. There was a time when this band had great songs and albums under their belt, and a mascot that was definitely unique and worthy of the halls of Metal.

As time progressed, their music took a turn for the worst as they chose to write music for their new-found mallcore/emo/screamo/fake goth kids/insert name of counter culture youth movement which will hold the attention span of said kid for about a couple of weeks here/etc., and with it, the downfall of a legacy that has not been seen since the likes of Queensrÿche and their "unfortunate" turn for the theatrics.

As In Flames moved forward, their merchandise also took a turn for the worst as their shirts started looking like the artsy wardrobe the aforementioned clowns (aka the modern In Flames fans from 2002 and forward) wear.

This presents to you one of the greatest travesties a Metal shirt can ever place on the world of Slaying Steel.

Tarnished Iron presents: In Flames Motörhead inspired shirt.

Words cannot described the atrocity and the crime committed against all that is Metal that this shirt has committed.

Think about what In Flames has done here. They took one of the most well-beloved mascots, Snaggletooth, and one of the most iconic logos, the arched with umlaut Motörhead logo, and made it into one of their emo-inspired trash they refer to as their band schwag.

This is a message to all Metal fans who hold Motörhead to your hearts (and that's all of you). If you see anybody wearing this shirt, I call on you to destroy the target of said bozo wearing this over-glorified clown overalls on the spot. No exceptions and no parameters on how this task needs to be done. And while you're committing the deed, make certain to scream "LEMMY IS GOD!" as a way of letting the dragon at Niflheim know you've just sent another unworthy scraplet to his supper plate.

TAKE NO PRISONERS!6!6!6!

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Hot Wheels Avenger Monster Truck

Monster Trucks. Vehicles that are Metal in more ways than one. From their sheer presence, to the engine required to hurl said vehicle in the air from one side of the arena to the other, to the scream of the engine that pays (an unintentional) homage to Ormagöden.

Sometimes, there are Monster Trucks that are definitely Metal not only in the aforementioned qualifications, but in their "character". A lil background to what I just said. Think of Monster Trucks like Pro Wrestlers. Each wrestler has a gimmick (a character). Some wrestlers are Bionic Rednecks, others are Howdy Doody's long lost son, and others are Metal as HELL!6!6!6! Monster Trucks are no different. For example, you got Thrasher, Mohawk Warrior, and the Most Metal Monster Truck of them all, Grave Digger.

Today, we look at one of the imaginary trucks. These are the ones that don't exist but would make for an excellent team. Hey, it takes more than the driver to have their vehicles of doom and destruction up and runnin'. Think of the truck's pit crew like roadies.

Introducing Hot Wheels Avenger Monster Truck.

The truck has the classic black-and-white attack, with the black paint on the body of a "'57 Chevy " and the white flames and skull, the Metal war colors are raging angry in today's post.

If I was able to drive such a vehicle, I'd make short work of traffic and be on time to work, instead of my usual late entrance I'm known for making.

One thing about these Monster Trucks is the amount detail they go into. From the tires, to the paint job, to even the engine. Kids these days have it very good with all the toys that have come out in the last 10 years.

A name like Avenger definitely strikes a "Metalwrath".

Overall, a great truck fit for some Rock N' Roll Racing. Now if we only had Ax from the tag team Demolition drive it, than we'd have a guaranteed champion for the Monster Jam tournaments.

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The Countdown to the Barge to Hell begins

I have placed a countdown to the Barge to Hell on this blog and Wacken Trek for all of you to know either A) how much time is left to prepare if you are one of the voyagers, or B) for those of you unable to go, at least you know when this historical event will happen on the "second", or C) for those who of you who want to know when I go to Davey Jones Locker \m/.

I will take a slew of pictures and videos for Wacken Trek for all to see the horrors that is a Metal cruise, with the usual senseless commentary from me.

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My Personal Message about Barge to Hell...

In case your wondering why the Barge to Hell plea link is down, it's pretty simple. I...AM...IN!6!6!6! That's right everybody, after some patience and waiting, it finally happened. I am going to be one of the "Original" Voyagers to launch the Extreme Metal answer to cruising, and I want to extend a huge and \m/ HEAVY \m/ thanks to Vaughan Pollard for allowing this to happen as finding a cabin in this boat was not an easy task. I owe him and his squad a huge debt of gratitude and many horns \m/6\m/6\m/6\m/

I would like to share a story with all of you regarding the whole Metal cruises that have been happening a lot lately.

My first attempt was the inaugral 70,000 Tons of Metal that occured on January 2011, and missing it was one of my many "Metal" regrets as at the time, like with many others, I was facing a very serious situation that prevented me from going.

My second attempt on the 2nd 70,000 Tons of Metal was something that couldn't happen since I had my European Metal Festival Tour 2011 that I needed to deploy my resources to, and since the 2012 70,000 Tons of Metal was the 2nd event and with the huge success that followed the first one, I knew I can skip it without worrying about the next set of cruises.

Than comes the announcement of Barge to Hell, and with it, an opportunity to redeem myself from missing the first 70,000 Tons of Metal.

And now, the countdown to the Barge to Hell begins...

For you landlubbers, see you from Nassau.

For you Vikings, Pirates, Buccaneers joining me on this \m/ HEAVY \m/ Voyage, see you in HELL!6!6!6!

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Vikingfjord Vodka and the 4 Shooters

Vodka. A beverage that has come to epitomize a key moment in Heavy Metal history. The event in question contributed to our fluffy and arrogant west coast neighbors downfall, and the vodka was one of the keys of said downfall.

While vodka by itself is about as Metal of a beverage it can get, sometimes the "right" vodka comes along that really earns the horns of fans and legends alike, and today's post looks at a beverage that comes from a really Metal land, Norway.

Introducing Vikingfjord Vodka.

One of the key ingredients are the glacial waters of Norway, and that's like saying you've just split a drink with Norwegian Metal fans, Metal band members and even vikings (both the ancient and modern ones).

As you can tell by the title of this post, you are going to get a 2-for-the-price-of-1, as we are also going to review some shot glasses I have procured over the years. This is a Metal MEGABONANZASPECIAL!6!6!6!

The obligatory "Lone Rangers" solo pic.

First up is the Plain-Jane Iron Maiden shot glass. Mind you, Iron Maiden have had some simple songs in their extensive back catalog, but even those songs can mangle the crap out of anyone foolish enough to underestimate their simplicity.

The "backstage" of the shot glass, so you can see this is a legit product instead of a Metalheads Black Market offering (aka bootlegs).

This next shooter is the most controversial one of the lot as Iron Maiden has had many albums under their belt due to what they do best. Write kick ass music. Keep in mind, picking one Maiden album from their back catalog is like the elderly lady in the produce section taking her time looking for the perfect mango, or the middle-aged boring guy who has nothing better going for him looking for the gallon of milk with the longest expiration date so he can get the freshest milk in the lot, and the dog looking for the right spot to lie down/take-a-whiz/take-a-dump. What do all these metaphors mean? That it will take time and an unusual level of patience to pick the right Maiden album for your ears and spirit. Eventually, all these paths lead to one end point, and that end point is the Powerslave album.

Next item on the docket is the Iced Earth shot glass, procured at my very first Iced Earth show (back in 2004!).

We finally have arrived to what is the best shot glass of the "Four Shotglass of the Spiritocalypse", the Harley Davidson shooter. Mind you, this one won the title not because it comes from a multimillion dollar conglomerate of a corporation, but because of where I picked it up. On my first trip to the west coast, Las Vegas, I managed to snag this shooter at the Harley Davidson Cafe, and along the way, I encountered A LOT of hot chicks and good adventures. Aside from the story, the shot glass is made of faux pas diamond plate, and that right there is what gave this shot glass the nudge over the others

Even the inside of this transporter of potent liquid was not skipped on the details.

Back to the vodka, Vikingfjord comes with a spout dispenser, for those who are looking at conducting Heavy Metal chemistry and need the right amount of the good stuff for any concoction a Metalheads or Vikings heart desires.

The "Fellowship of the Spirit".

The vodka is very good. As is typical of Scandinavian vodka, it's smooth with a punch of an aftertaste. This vodka is combining the best of 2 worlds, the quantity and the quality. The price (roughly $23) you are paying for this beverage is definitely in the range of more bang for the buck, and with its huge size (1.75 liters!6!6!6!), this will last you a long time (or a short time in case you want to re-enact Chris Holmes moment that destroyed the Glam Metal "movement", just make certain to bring your mother along). Definitely a worthy beverage and glad to make it Channel 13's first beverage post outside of the long list of beers that have come before it.

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Apologies and CorpsePaint Kitty...

I would like to say I apologize for the lack of updates the previous month (June) has seen. It was the classic 1 - 2 punch that life seems to dish out once in a while.

The first punch came in the form of my selfish need to have some time to myself. As many of you have been warned in the last post, I needed some time off in order for me to catch up on some personal stuff from the game we call life. Unfortunately that weekend became 2 than 3 and before you know it, the blog has mold and rust all over the place.

The 2nd punch, I have been going out A LOT. Mainly, getting invited to social gatherings, baby showers (I know, not Metal, but considering the individual in question, she is as Metal as they come, plus she's from the Global Capital of Metal (Germany, for the outsiders reading this post)) and the usual burger and beer joints I like to frequent since burgers and beers by themselves are Metal, but putting them together seems to make it a indestructible force. I know, it's not Metal to socialize, but in case you haven't noticed about this blog, it's all about our beloved music and it's culture/lifestyle going to limits never thought possible, and whether you like it or not, it is expanding and growing in ways 10 years ago was never thought possible. So deal with it for those of you listening to the most obscure band nobody even in the so called "elite" circles has even heard of in your mom's basement/garage/living room/insert random place that said individual feels like they have a sense of independence minus the reality of it.

Moving forward, I will do everything in my power to update the blog more often, as I have A LOT of items I have yet to put in the blog plus the many more that are coming in the future (here's looking at Halloween 2012 for a big treasure chest of Metal Trinkets).

Also, Steff (from www.steffmetal.com ) updated CorpsePaint Kitty ( www.corpsepaintkitty.com ) some time ago, but it is now syndicating on Channel 13. Check it out.

Again, many \m/ HEAVY \m/ thanks for the patience and understanding.

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Gulden Draak Ale

Dragons, a mystical creature that has been in many Metal albums (artwork, lyrics), Metal tattoos and of course, all the LARP'ing (Live Action Role Playing) Metal fans are known for.

With an emphasis Metal has with the mystical creature, you figure it's about time it branched out to other realms beyond the lyric sheets, musical instruments and plastic swords?

Today, we look at a beverage that reached the plateau in question.

Introducing Gulden Draak Ale.

Gulden Drak, the name of this beverage screams POWER METAL, with wails and all. Hell, Rhapsody (or Rhapsody of Fire, or Luca Turilli's Rhapsody) has nothing on the name Gulden Draak.

In case your wondering where such a HEAVY name came from, here's what the brewers website ( http://guldendraak.be/en/gulden-draak-0 ) had to say about the matter:

"Did you know the Gulden Draak (Golden Dragon) owes its name to the gilded statue on top of the Belfry in Ghent?

The legend says the gilded dragon first featured on the prow of the ship with which the Norwegian king Sigrid Magnusson left on a crusade in 1111. He offered the statue to the emperor of Constantinople (the current Istanbul) to put it on the cupola of the Aya Sophia. Some hundred years later, the Flemish count Baldwin IX had the showpiece transported to our regions. Here, the Norwegian dragon ended up in the hands of Bruges. After the battle on the field of Beverhout in 1382, the inhabitants of Ghent took the dragon as war booty and put it on top of their Belfry. In the Belfry all communal charters were kept. The dragon had to protect these documents and it was also the symbol of the freedom and might of the city.

Such an imposing symbol that has lasted for over 6 centuries needs an equally imposing beer. Like the dragon shines at the top of the city, the Gulden Draak is part of the international top of beers. It is a dark triple, which in itself makes it an exceptional beer. But it is the complex taste with hints of caramel, roasted malt and coffee in combination with the creamy hazel head that makes it unique. It is a beer that is worthy of its name."

As you just read, this beverage has all the making of being one of the most Metal beers in the world, and it's credentials are very extensive:

- It comes from the beer capital of the world, Belgium (with due respect to the other fine nations that make beer).
- It has a Viking Ship as its logo. A Golden Viking Ship.
- The statue was a war booty, belonged to a Norwegian King and is a symbol of freedom.

If you want to see a picture of the place where this beer comes from, here it is (courtesy of http://globalbeer.com/body_pages/pages-beer/GuldenDraak/GuldenDraak.html ).

Now begins the long voyage of this beverage that equals its logo history.

With this beverage, I travel through all of Europe and conquer whatever I lay my footsteps on (or the trains that will take me through this expedition).

The "Iron Fist" of the deliverer of the Nectar of the Metal Gods delivers another fine installment of liquid purified for the Legions of Heavy Metal \m/

Like blood flooding through the halls of the damned, golden blood to be exact.

With the chalice now filled, I command thee to consume the beverage inspired by Metal even before Metal existed.

The beer is beyond amazing. It's taste is thick, almost like drinking caramel, and sticks to your tongue and the aroma has a tendency to raid your nostrils like the vikings that inspired the statues creation. At 10.5% ABV, it is a heavyweight that will knock you down like a sword to the head.

If you ever find yourself at a bar and they have this beverage on tap, the tap handle is as majestic as the beverage. Any other handle would not be worthy of handling an important beverage (courtesy of http://globalbeer.com/body_pages/pages-beer/GuldenDraak/GuldenDraak.html ).

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