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Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Spurious Harmonics: The Conspiracy Frequeny

In a recent announcement, Geoff Tates Queensrÿche‎ (aka the Crytal Pepsi of Queensrÿche‎) announced a contest for fans who wish to berate the "Frequency Unknown" album in a new forum; directly in front of the artists who created the album.


While many record companies would never think of doing something like this due to the brutally honest nature or the asshole tendencies of Metal fans, for some reason Cleopatra Records created the contest.


When Spurious Harmonics field reporter Hector Rivera investigated the motive behind the publicity stunt, there were some observations that left him puzzled. Upon visiting the headquarters, there was a series of blue trucks going in and out of the record labels building 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Mysterious objects were spotted flying out of the building that resembled bubbles. The building also had a number of security guards with MP40's with their faces covered. A group of bikers managed to gain entry into the building, bypassing the security guards as if they were expected.


Hector Rivera attempted to request an interview with the Executive of Cleopatra Records with the gate guards, but was met with a hostile barrage of missiles and lasers, with a battle cry not heard in 25 years.

Upon requesting an interview with the Label Executive through a series of specially trained animals and spies with the uncanny ability of ripping their authentic masks off with one grab swoop, Hector Rivera managed to get a interview with the elusive leader.

Hector Rivera entered the building, and saw science labs, military weapons, and armored vehicles. One had to question why does a Music Record Label need such devices.

Once inside the Record Label Executive's office, Hector Rivera noticed the throne was turned back to him, and upon revealing who the Record Label Executive was, it was none other than the leader of a agitating confederation who was the behind-the-scenes puppeteer.


Hector Rivera: It's you?! This is what you have been doing for the last 25 years?

Record Label Executive: Yesss. I have been plotting, scheming, manipulating what will soon be the greatest ploy, and what better way to do it than to be the head of a Record Label, the ultimate villain where evil deeds are expected.

Hector Rivera: But why change your tactics after all these years?

Record Label Executive: Because many mistakes were made in the last 25 years, and the same mistakes were repeated over and over and over again, and as a result, we needed to adapt and change our ways. By operating in plain sight, people never caught wind of our ultimate plan... to swindle the world citizens of their identity and take every single penny they own.

Hector Rivera: Identity theft is an act of rape in many levels. How do you plan on carrying out this travesty in indecency?

Record Label Executive: By acting on the one flaw mankind has... their hatred.

Hector Rivera: Everybody has hatred, but a lot of people are able to control it.

Record Label Executive: But the hatred I am tapping into is very unique. It is the hatred a group of people who do not know how to control it.

Hector Rivera: Who are these people?

Record Label Executive: Metalheads.

Hector Rivera: You're mad, don't you know the kind of reaction this contest will unleash?!

Record Label Executive: Yesss, the kind Metalheads are known for. Taking to the internet and complaining about anything without the repercussion of consequences. They are the only ones dumb enough to provide us their real name, address, phone number, and a copy of their ID and/or passport, and all in the guise of posting a hate rant that will be recognized by an actual somebody instead of by a bunch of nobody's, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Hector Rivera: This plot will never succeed, and it just cannot. What about the band members, are they in on this plot of dirty deeds done dirt cheap?!

Record Label Executive: Geoff Tate is an imbecile more concerned having his hat match his vest and the rest of the members are nothing more than hired guns who are just collecting a easy pay check.

Hector Rivera: Don't you realize the hatred the Metal community has for Geoff Tate due to his self-delusional stance and his actions in Brazil that have caused the rightly placed ire?


Record Label Executive: Like I said, I am playing on the undirected and often times confused hatred of Metalheads. They will completely fall for this trap hook, line and sinker, and the best part is they don't have the means or capacity to retaliate after they discover the dupe.

Hector Rivera: Your insane.

Record Label Executive: Am I Hector, or is it they that are insane?

###BZZZT### "paging his majesty, the winner of the contest has been announced".

Record Label Executive: Awww, the last name in this endeavor of identity theft is at hand. Once this name is collected, our plans are about to blossom into greatness.

Man with Shiny Head: Sir, there's a problem.

Record Label Executive: What is it?

Man with Shiny Head: The volume of people who entered this contest is overloading our circuits, the main power grid cannot tolerate the overload of power and the submissions are wreaking havoc on the motherboards of our servers. Backup power supplies are failing! If we don't shut the power down we will lose all the information we have attained.

Record Label Executive: We can't stop receiving the information as we are only 1 person away for this plan to be executed.

Man with Shiny Head: There's no time, we must do an emergency shut down immediately!

Record Label Executive: NOOO!!! This cannot happen, do something about it.

Man with Shiny Head: It's too late, the system is collapsing on itself and the explosions have taken out the foundations of the building, it will come crashing down anytime. We must get out of here.

Record Label Executive: ABANDON THE BUILDING!!

As the building is falling apart, all occupants have made it safely out of the building, but the ordeal was only the beginning, as more video submissions were arriving via unconventional or outdated methods of delivery.


An armada of Heavily tattooed carrier pigeons with goggles and a Bret Michaels or KISS scarfs with Micro SD chips tied to their ankles landed palm-first onto the hands of the Record Label Executive and his staff.


Smoke signals emanated from many mountains and hills far and wide.


Mailmen who were on the verge of losing their jobs have now found a new source of revenue from the millions of envelopes stuffed with USB Sticks, XD Chips and 3.5" Floppy's thanks to the hatred Metalheads have of Frequency Unknown and Geoff Tate.


As Cobra Command... er, the Record Label Executive and his staff flee the onslaught of hate-filled video submissions with the word "retreat!", "retreat!" screeched in the anguish of feeling the wrath of complaining Metal fans.


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