Channel 13 presents "Tarnished Iron", moments outside of Metal that was meant to represent our beloved music that ended as a blemish on the genres rap sheet, and as you will see in todays launch post, these are people/events/thingies (as a science teacher of years past once told us)/etc. that will cover a broad spectrum guiding us to the false promise land.
Mark Hildreth, better known to wrestling fans as Heavy Metal Van Hammer, then Van Hammer and then simply as Hammer, during his time as a wrestler in WCW during the 90's & 00's, is this series first post.
One of his early gimmicks was that of a Heavy Metal musician, and as you will see, he could have given the likes of Yngwie Malmsteen and Steve Vai a run for their money at the gym, but the electric guitar was a different story since he didn't even know how to play the damn instrument. A cliff note to future wrestling promoters, if you want your character to hold weight in the audience eyes, make certain they can legitimately portray the character they play (i.e., Demolition as the maniacal road warriors from the Mad Max 2 film (a very Metal film), the Roadwarriors as the originals of the aforementioned gimmick and a turnbuckle chewing maniac ala George The Animal Steele. If you're looking for something closer to this type of post, Rowdy Roddy Piper wielding the bagpipe in it's Folk Metal glory.).
The Flying V he brought to the ring was something you would find at a K-Mart's kid section, which definitely made him look like an even bigger idiot than scientifically possible.
Aside from the lack of the musical gift from the Gods of Metal, he also had a sense of fashion that was more "VH1 false Metal news coverage of Sammy Haggar at a unknown awards show". I know Metal fans wear hats of all types, but the fact that he is also bringing shame to our wardrobe is not helping his case at all.
Later in the late 90's, he joined the likes of the Flock, a grunge styled gang of wrestlers, as the Hammer. Another cliff note (and more of an observation), it seems the Glam Metal eras collapse has repeated itself here. Fans got tired of a form of music due to it's excess of stupidity and outdated fashion, and grunge rising through the ranks of music fame, except this took place almost a decade later and instead of a form of music, it was a wrestler.
As the 2000's roared in, he became a member of the Misfits In Action, which was a paramilitary group of wrestlers. Interestingly enough, and a nod to the Metalheads choice of drug, he was supposed to have the ring name "Private Stash", but whined (legitimately) about having the lowest rank and had his "rank" changed to "Major Stash". Seems he didn't learn anything from his "Heavy Metal" days. And to put a final and embarrassing note on his WCW run that involved Metal, Van Hammer wrestled and lost his last match to The Demon (a KISS gimmick wrestler, a fitting end.).
These days, and according to Wikipedia (If it is true or not, can't say, but it is funny, which is why it is here.), he runs a sex shop, which goes to show his gimmick failed miserably, but at least he got his current occupation right as it is up a Glam Metal musicians alley to do something like this after the fall of that form of music.
Final Verdict: Mocking Heavy Metal as the worst of posers, bad choice in clothing and a guitar that belonged to an 8 year old kid learning his/her first chords and couldn't play it, this is a "Major Stain" on Heavy Metal. To end this post on a eye sore, here's a custom video of the guys first theme entrance. To say it is lame would be an insult to the word lame.
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Mark Hildreth, better known to wrestling fans as Heavy Metal Van Hammer, then Van Hammer and then simply as Hammer, during his time as a wrestler in WCW during the 90's & 00's, is this series first post.
One of his early gimmicks was that of a Heavy Metal musician, and as you will see, he could have given the likes of Yngwie Malmsteen and Steve Vai a run for their money at the gym, but the electric guitar was a different story since he didn't even know how to play the damn instrument. A cliff note to future wrestling promoters, if you want your character to hold weight in the audience eyes, make certain they can legitimately portray the character they play (i.e., Demolition as the maniacal road warriors from the Mad Max 2 film (a very Metal film), the Roadwarriors as the originals of the aforementioned gimmick and a turnbuckle chewing maniac ala George The Animal Steele. If you're looking for something closer to this type of post, Rowdy Roddy Piper wielding the bagpipe in it's Folk Metal glory.).
The Flying V he brought to the ring was something you would find at a K-Mart's kid section, which definitely made him look like an even bigger idiot than scientifically possible.
Aside from the lack of the musical gift from the Gods of Metal, he also had a sense of fashion that was more "VH1 false Metal news coverage of Sammy Haggar at a unknown awards show". I know Metal fans wear hats of all types, but the fact that he is also bringing shame to our wardrobe is not helping his case at all.
Later in the late 90's, he joined the likes of the Flock, a grunge styled gang of wrestlers, as the Hammer. Another cliff note (and more of an observation), it seems the Glam Metal eras collapse has repeated itself here. Fans got tired of a form of music due to it's excess of stupidity and outdated fashion, and grunge rising through the ranks of music fame, except this took place almost a decade later and instead of a form of music, it was a wrestler.
As the 2000's roared in, he became a member of the Misfits In Action, which was a paramilitary group of wrestlers. Interestingly enough, and a nod to the Metalheads choice of drug, he was supposed to have the ring name "Private Stash", but whined (legitimately) about having the lowest rank and had his "rank" changed to "Major Stash". Seems he didn't learn anything from his "Heavy Metal" days. And to put a final and embarrassing note on his WCW run that involved Metal, Van Hammer wrestled and lost his last match to The Demon (a KISS gimmick wrestler, a fitting end.).
These days, and according to Wikipedia (If it is true or not, can't say, but it is funny, which is why it is here.), he runs a sex shop, which goes to show his gimmick failed miserably, but at least he got his current occupation right as it is up a Glam Metal musicians alley to do something like this after the fall of that form of music.
Final Verdict: Mocking Heavy Metal as the worst of posers, bad choice in clothing and a guitar that belonged to an 8 year old kid learning his/her first chords and couldn't play it, this is a "Major Stain" on Heavy Metal. To end this post on a eye sore, here's a custom video of the guys first theme entrance. To say it is lame would be an insult to the word lame.
Credit: wcwfanforever23
